Bill, the Ninja Killer

To understand the horror of the following story, all you need to know is this: I once pitched an idea involving ninjas.

The overall campaign was green-lighted, but the ninja's were killed. I recently discovered the method used to murder these silent assassins. And in hope of saving future ninjas, I share it with you.

In the hallways of the client the ninjas waited, silently planning to communicate a simple message to an unsuspecting populace. Then they overheard something like the following conversation:

Suzan: Wow, this ad campaign we got from those guys is great! It's so funny! Hey Bill, check out this ad campaign!
Bill: Wow that's awesome! I really like this stuff! But...why are there terrorists in this ad?

And just like that, the ninjas died.

The best copy you've never seen -Vol 1

Below are samples of copy that have never seen the light of day. Pieces like this normally occur when I'm ass-deep in revisions for something that was "really important simply must be done by 6pm today oh but we really have the time to dick around with it for another three weeks so you'll be rewriting it everyday until then".

While they clearly display a level of frustration, they're not eligible for entry in TBCYNS unless they also meet the objectives they were written for and still speak to the target. In short, they must have been shown to the client.

1- a banner ad with an annoying wordcount (as if there's any other kind).

We can’t explain everything you can do in this application in just 75 chara

2- bonus entry: why the creatives never go out drinking with the legal dept.

This intro paragraph has been rewritten about fifty times. This is because it’s very difficult to find a way to suggest there are adult themes in this application without upsetting our legal department. (The legal department would like to inform you that at no time are these adult themes explicitly illustrated. But they are vigorously hinted at.)

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of "The best copy you've never seen". If people like it, there will be more. If people hate it, there will probably be more anyway. It's my blog, that's how it works.

This is what I imagine Long Copy feels like

Oh my God. Oh my god they're reading. They're still reading! They're to the third 'reading' in the paragraph! Guys, guys come on. This is it. Someone's actually reading us. Holy shit. Holy -hey! Hey, "linoleum"! God help you if you don't stay on the end of that line. I swear on my kerning if there's a big blank space at the end of that line because you don't fit I'll write you out of this piece myself. Of course it matters! Everything matters! Oh my god they're halfway through. This is incredible. Is this getting too long? Quick, everyone be concise! Squish yourself if you have to. Don't look like you're doing it! God. The point. Where's the point? Oh my god did we lose the point? Ok, no it's here. Holy fuck do NOT scare me like that again. We are almost at the end we cannot afford to get lost now. Bring it together people!

Oh my god they read to the end. Oh...oh god. Oh, that was better than sex. Someone get me a cigarette. Seriously.

Pure Genius

Thanks mostly to the brilliance of Isaac Pagan, our IKEA genius ads are up on Ads of the World.

You can find them here.

And of course, they're always here.

According to Burn Alter Ego, I am now "The Man"

Thus proving this is the best and most accurate Alter Ego Facebook app ever.

UPDATE: How do you get to be "The Man" you ask? Like this:


Best. Burn Pic. Ever.

A thousand words now worth a picture.

This was a lot cooler when I thought I could get it to work on my blog. I can't though. I suspect it has to do with the CSS. But frankly, the people who created this are waaaay smarter than I am, so I'm not about to screw with it.

Essentially, this trick uses technology (or "magic") to alter text so that when you highlight it, it shows colors instead of letters. We can now see exactly how many words a given picture is worth. Only catch is, since each letter equals one square of color, unless you scroll over an entire copy of War and Peace, the image will appear pixelated. Of course, if you ask me, that just means you have to use it in an ad for geeks or gamers. Don't you agree, 8-bit Mario screenshot?

I'm determined to use this. So when you see this shit in a banner ad, you'll know it was me what put it there.

The coolest thing I've seen in the last decade.

Click and drag to change your view in this 360 degree streaming video.

I saw this video, and I started cursing out loud while sitting at my monitor, at work. Then I heard other people cursing too, and I knew they had just checked their email.

UPDATE: For some reason, when viewed on my pre-intel G5, this video killed my mac. If that happens to you, or if you want more examples, visit the company's site instead.

Burn Alter Ego Facebook App: I'm not just pimping it cause they pay me to

There is a new Facebook application out. It's called Burn Alter Ego and you should download it.

Remember the early days of Facebook? You would meet a person, they'd be your friend. You'd stalk them by trolling through their entire history of wall postings and - oh hey! There's Jim. I didn't know this friend knew Jim. I haven't talked to Jim in ages. I should make Jim my friend.


That was an awesome feeling. You were part of an extended network of people all "six degrees of separation" style. But after a while- normally once you leave college- it stops working that way. You make one friend here or there. Maybe two at a time. And you don't know those other people they're friends with. And just asking random people to befriend you on Facebook is plain creepy. Really quickly, your network growth slows to a crawl.

This Burn app, it starts your network growing again. You can choose to "go out" for the night and meet strangers. Essentially, you're randomly paired with another Facebook user who has the app. Once that happens, they appear on your Burn network. You can then poke them or ask them to be your friend or go out with them again tomorrow (non-randomly this time). But now you two have a connection- you've both "gone out" with each other through the app. Now you have a reason to be friends.


"Ben", you're saying "this is retarded. I didn't 'go out' with anyone. This guy and I both pressed buttons, and then we got some story, and a goofy picture of our avatars together."


You're right, anonymous blog voice. That's all you did. And all you know about each other is what your avatars and rooms look like. And that both of you didn't really go out with each other to a club that didn't exist where you didn't get drunk and have a great time. But you know what? Sometimes that's all it takes.

Two days ago, someone named Martina went out with me. I have no earthly idea who Martina is. We never met before. We only virtually went out once, but I am intensely curious about her. I really hope she becomes my friend.

If that's not enough reason to download this app, here are a few more: it's one of the first flash-based apps ever. It's gorgeous. It's immersive. And I wrote the copy for it. Download it now.

Animal Planet logo gets drunk, falls over.

Elephant and World leave citing "irreconcilable differences"

TV LAND- It's not surprising that Animal Planet, a network that's been around for over a decade, decided it was time to update it's logo. What is surprising are the circumstances surrounding that change.
Previously, spokescreatures for the station said they wanted to try a new logo that would show how "fresh and exciting" the new line-up would be. However, anonymous insiders have now told us the true reason for the change: Animal Planet is an alcoholic.
"In the beginning, it was a new logo. Hell, it was a brand new network." said Kristen Lynman, the Elephant's spokeswoman, "Animal Planet used to be all about the work. But lately it seems like it's been nothing but parties."
According to anonymous sources, "Animal Planet" has been drinking for years. It finally reached the point where Elephant and Earth weren't willing to deal with it anymore. Rather than risk a scandal, the network decided to just unveil a new "streamlined" logo.
"I think most people will see through it pretty quick," said one network executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "I mean, look at him there. Look at the 'M'. If you ask me, Elephant and Earth were the backbone of this station."
While there has been no official response from the network at this time, it seems pretty obvious that the logo has seen better days.
"Look at the 'M'," repeated our source, "This....this is like the Britney Spears of typography."