Today's childhood sucks.

You kids today, think ya got it all. Well, maybe ya'll have cellular phones tucked into ya diapers, but there's one thing you don't have: real toys in your cereal. Let Uncle Benny tell ya what it was like in the good ol' days.

Back in the day, all the cereal boxes had prizes inside. Real prizes, not crap about "send in 300 boxtops and we might give ya sumthin in 6 weeks". We didn't wait six friggin weeks! No sir, if there was a prize you got it the day you opened the box. A physical plastic toy, hand-glued and painted by poorly fed orientals only a few years younger than you were.

I just bought a box o' Cheerios. The box said there was a SPEED RACER TURBO CAR INSIDE! I opened the box, and here's what I found:


Right from the start I can tell- childhood today sucks. Back in 91', I once opened a box o' cereal and got a painted figure o' Ducktales. That masterpiece of plastic was like a tiny version o' Michaelangelo's David that was then painted by DaVinci.

But whaddya kids get? A single color piece o' plastic. Inside the first bag, it's shrink wrapped with- I still can't believe it- directions.


In my day, cereal toys was awesome cause they was free. Mom paid for it, the Chinese built it, all you had to do was play with it. That's how it was in my day. You kids have it that good? No, your toys today come with stickers. Like this:


I don't care if you can hire pirates to download your free iPods off the interwebs, today's childhood sucks.

My favorite part is how the stickers are on the flip side of the directions. So ya can't look at both at once unless you have a sticker stuck to your sweaty little sausage finger, losing all it's stickiness as you try and figure out where the hell it goes on your car. Don'tcha look at me like that, ya know I'm right.

If it was just that the stickers didn't stick, I coulda understood. If it was just that the patterns didn't line up no good, well, that's how it was in the old days too. And if the wind up motor got stuck and it barely moved, I mighta said "yeah, these kids today got it pretty good". All that stuff is tradition. Builds character.

Then THIS happened:


I know I put the sticker on right. It's the only way it fits, and I checked them directions twice. But I don't know if I should complain, cause that's exactly how it looks on the box:


In my day, they had the decency to put in a little effort and lie to you about it. I guess they just can't spend the trouble on youngsters these days. Makes ya wonder who won the war.

Now here comes the icing on the cake. Them Hollywood advertising people can't even be bothered to put their own logo on the toy. No, they gotta have you do that for them:


I don't know how much them child-laborers get fed these days, but it's too much.

Look, I know you kids think your life is great. You've got that free porn you can load down whenever you want, and all the phones have texturing now. But let me tell ya sumthin: If ya ain't got real toys in ya cereal, ya'll got nuthin.

My advice? Don't spend all your efforts putting upside-down stickers right-side up on plastic pieces o' crap. Start working on a time machine and set it for 1985. Cause today's childhood sucks.