This one's for all the gamers

Some people hang with friends or finger paint in their free time. What a waste. I say if you have time to kill, do something significant with it.

*I've rescued princesses. I've slain Dracula half a dozen times. I've saved the galaxy from aliens. I've also conquered it more times than I can count. I journeyed with four warriors of light, saving a land that will never remember our sacrifice. I defeated Dark Dragon (twice). I freed the realms of Hyrule, Ivalice, and Magvel. I've slain demons and devils from the darkest pits of hell, and singlehandedly prevented the zombie apocalypse. I've killed men for sport, and forced small animals to fight for my amusement. I've rescued queens and defeated emperors. I've commanded dragons, elves, and titans in battle. I've beaten my wife into unconsciousness, and laughed with maniacal glee while slaughtering fuzzy animals. I've halted the mad schemes of mad scientists a score of times. And I've eaten everything in sight and vomited it back out.

Does that sound like a waste of time to you?

*Super Mario Bros series, Castlevania, Metroid, Spaceward Ho!, Final Fantasy, Shining Sword 1 & 2, Zelda, Final Fantasy Tactics, Fire Emblem, Diablo, Resident Evil, Unreal Tournament 2004, Pokemon, Lego Star Wars, Heroes of Might and Magic 1-4, Wii Sports boxing, SuperSmash Bros (I hate pikachu so much), MegaMan, and a couple Kirby games. There's more, but I got tired of this post.

This is what I imagine Long Copy feels like

Oh my God. Oh my god they're reading. They're still reading! They're to the third 'reading' in the paragraph! Guys, guys come on. This is it. Someone's actually reading us. Holy shit. Holy -hey! Hey, "linoleum"! God help you if you don't stay on the end of that line. I swear on my kerning if there's a big blank space at the end of that line because you don't fit I'll write you out of this piece myself. Of course it matters! Everything matters! Oh my god they're halfway through. This is incredible. Is this getting too long? Quick, everyone be concise! Squish yourself if you have to. Don't look like you're doing it! God. The point. Where's the point? Oh my god did we lose the point? Ok, no it's here. Holy fuck do NOT scare me like that again. We are almost at the end we cannot afford to get lost now. Bring it together people!

Oh my god they read to the end. Oh...oh god. Oh, that was better than sex. Someone get me a cigarette. Seriously.

Your Zappos shipment will arrive 3 hours ago.

I think most people agree that Zappos.com is good shit. Possibly even the shit. And after reading this story, I've discovered they embody corporate soulfulness, a trait I did not even know existed prior to reading about it.

Yesterday, at 10:30pm, my wife ordered me a pair of crocs from Zappos. (Don't judge me, they're for walking the dog) Today, I came home from work to discover a box on my front step. There were crocs inside.

They were ordered at 10:30 last night. I got them in less than 24 hours.

This is not the first time I have bent space-time to my will. I am not above suggesting that my latent mutant powers might be revealing themselves at last.

Showing my Age

As birthdays go, after 21, most people agree there's not a whole lot to look forward to.

Still, it's an excuse to have a good time and maybe even score some gifts, so I count it as a good day. But this year, as I was registering the shiny new 8G iPod nano my parents insisted on getting me (they really had to twist my arm) something a little sad happened.

See, in the process of registering it asked how old I was, demographically speaking. I used to be 18-24. Now I'm 25-32.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have jumped a demographic.

Luckily, I have a shiny new 8G iPod to help cope with the pain.

The only thing stranger than fiction

We have a contract with Terminix to handle pest control at the house. I became quite friendly with the regular technician. There's a bit of a language barrier between us, but it's not too bad. On the day this particular exchange took place, he had just sprayed a portion of my house with fire-ant powder.

Me: Hey, is it ok for me to go back there? (Points to the laundry room that was just sprayed.)

Tech: Oh yes, fine. (He makes an unconcerned wave of his hand, despite the fact that perched atop his head is a full face air filter- something he's never worn before.)

Me: You sure? I can do my laundry, no problem?

Tech: Ah! This powder is....what is word...nuve?

Me: Nerve?

Tech: Yes! Nerves! So- to ant, it gets inside, yes? Kills very quickly, very deadly. But we are much bigger than ant. (A carefree wave of his hand, accompanied by an expression of unconcern.) For us, is no problem.

Me: Ok, so we're fine?

Tech: No, no. would take very much, have to be right in face.

Me: (still a little worried) ok....

Tech: Maybe, for little bit, you feel younger- (he gets an exaggerated sad face and pantomimes tears.)

Me: What?

Tech: Yes. Like when you were little.

Me: Huh? Sorry, I don't understand.

Tech: Is like- I am from Cuba. So, for me, when I (sniff sniff) too much -I am with it all day- I think back when I am little boy. To Cuba. (With a dramatic pose he clasps both hands to his heart) Ai, Cuba! But you- maybe is not Cuba. Maybe is French girl. (With a dramatic pose he clasps both hands to his heart) Ai, French girl! Yes?

Me: (Staring at him like he's got three heads.)

Tech: Because I am from Cuba, even though I am glad to be here, always a little (both hands to his heart again) to be gone, yes? But for you, is something else makes you feel like that. Maybe French girl, who knows?

Me: Oh! I'll feel depressed!

Tech: For maybe one hour, maybe littler.

Me: ...French girl?

Still not an emo blog

I got sick last week. Real sick. The kind of sick that robs food of its flavor and sleep of its restfulness. I was so sick I lost 5 lbs.

I'm all better now, though. And to prove it, I shall look at the silver lining in all of this.

I lost 5 lbs in a week. I am the envy of every female on the planet. Booyah!