Your Zappos shipment will arrive 3 hours ago.

I think most people agree that Zappos.com is good shit. Possibly even the shit. And after reading this story, I've discovered they embody corporate soulfulness, a trait I did not even know existed prior to reading about it.

Yesterday, at 10:30pm, my wife ordered me a pair of crocs from Zappos. (Don't judge me, they're for walking the dog) Today, I came home from work to discover a box on my front step. There were crocs inside.

They were ordered at 10:30 last night. I got them in less than 24 hours.

This is not the first time I have bent space-time to my will. I am not above suggesting that my latent mutant powers might be revealing themselves at last.

Showing my Age

As birthdays go, after 21, most people agree there's not a whole lot to look forward to.

Still, it's an excuse to have a good time and maybe even score some gifts, so I count it as a good day. But this year, as I was registering the shiny new 8G iPod nano my parents insisted on getting me (they really had to twist my arm) something a little sad happened.

See, in the process of registering it asked how old I was, demographically speaking. I used to be 18-24. Now I'm 25-32.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have jumped a demographic.

Luckily, I have a shiny new 8G iPod to help cope with the pain.

The only thing stranger than fiction

We have a contract with Terminix to handle pest control at the house. I became quite friendly with the regular technician. There's a bit of a language barrier between us, but it's not too bad. On the day this particular exchange took place, he had just sprayed a portion of my house with fire-ant powder.

Me: Hey, is it ok for me to go back there? (Points to the laundry room that was just sprayed.)

Tech: Oh yes, fine. (He makes an unconcerned wave of his hand, despite the fact that perched atop his head is a full face air filter- something he's never worn before.)

Me: You sure? I can do my laundry, no problem?

Tech: Ah! This powder is....what is word...nuve?

Me: Nerve?

Tech: Yes! Nerves! So- to ant, it gets inside, yes? Kills very quickly, very deadly. But we are much bigger than ant. (A carefree wave of his hand, accompanied by an expression of unconcern.) For us, is no problem.

Me: Ok, so we're fine?

Tech: No, no. would take very much, have to be right in face.

Me: (still a little worried) ok....

Tech: Maybe, for little bit, you feel younger- (he gets an exaggerated sad face and pantomimes tears.)

Me: What?

Tech: Yes. Like when you were little.

Me: Huh? Sorry, I don't understand.

Tech: Is like- I am from Cuba. So, for me, when I (sniff sniff) too much -I am with it all day- I think back when I am little boy. To Cuba. (With a dramatic pose he clasps both hands to his heart) Ai, Cuba! But you- maybe is not Cuba. Maybe is French girl. (With a dramatic pose he clasps both hands to his heart) Ai, French girl! Yes?

Me: (Staring at him like he's got three heads.)

Tech: Because I am from Cuba, even though I am glad to be here, always a little (both hands to his heart again) to be gone, yes? But for you, is something else makes you feel like that. Maybe French girl, who knows?

Me: Oh! I'll feel depressed!

Tech: For maybe one hour, maybe littler.

Me: ...French girl?

Still not an emo blog

I got sick last week. Real sick. The kind of sick that robs food of its flavor and sleep of its restfulness. I was so sick I lost 5 lbs.

I'm all better now, though. And to prove it, I shall look at the silver lining in all of this.

I lost 5 lbs in a week. I am the envy of every female on the planet. Booyah!

My toothbrush is haunted.

Like the majority of the population, I have an electric toothbrush. I use it roughly twice a day, unless I feel really lazy around bedtime. It is a relatively simple device. It has only a single button on the handle. Press it once for faster, once for slower, and once for “off”.

This morning I finished brushing my teeth and pressed the button twice for slower/stop, while taking the brush out of my mouth. Toothpaste splattered my glasses. This is because the head of the brush never stopped spinning. Irritated, I pressed the button again. Still spinning. No speed change, and certainly no “off”. I tried a variety of things, such as pushing the button hard, pushing the button several times in quick succession, and pushing the button while really thinking about it. You know, cause maybe I wasn’t pressing it like I meant it.

I stood there a moment pondering the spinning brush. I could just leave it and go to work. But then the brush would win, and I felt the constant buzzing noise was beginning to take on a mocking tone. I tried holding the button down for 6 seconds to restart it. Still buzzing. I gave the device an exasperated glare. There were only two ways to properly affect any change in it. One was to press a button that was (I assume) stuck in the “pressed” position. The other was just to-

Hmmm. If Braun (makers of haunted toothbrushes) weren’t complete idiots, then when the brush has been placed on the stand to charge it will automatically….

Shut off. Genius Braun. Sheer genius. Except for the whole “malfunctioning device” part. Idiots.

Pitch black is the new green

Yesterday I attempted to turn on the bathroom light. There was a fizzy pop, then the room became only a little less dark. Two of the three bulbs over the mirror were dead.

I have replaced nearly every light in my house with eco-friendly twisty bulbs (didn't do it in the bathroom yet). Partially cause I like mother earth, and partially because the twistiness is a visual novelty to me. But as I stood there, in my towel, in the near-dark, I realized that eco-friendly lightbulbs are for pussies.

If you really want to save the environment, don't replace any bulbs in your house at all. Sure twisty bulbs save energy, but you know what saves even more? No bulbs, that's what. I took a shadowy shower that morning secure in the knowledge that not only had I won an environmental victory, but a victory for all lazy men as well. No more climbing up ladders to change lightbulbs. If your domestic partner doesn't like it, accuse them of not doing their part to save the environment. And while they're at it, they can get you a beer.

After all, the more you drink, the less energy the fridge has to expend cooling bottles.

Great News! I'm not dead!

I have been writing my ass off recently. I mean, not here obviously. But other places. Like at work.

Which I shall go to now.

To write.

Bye.