NBC is trying to kill me

I must have been an axe-murderer in a former life. Maybe a child-molester. Clearly I've done something horrible. And Fate, not finding a suitable punishment for me in the present-day, has decided to destroy the last fond memories I have from my childhood.

Dear reader, I apologize for what you are about to see: a grown man's warm youthful memories, callously used as the kleenex for NBC's programming ejaculate.


What they have done is create the Anti-Rider. This is the perfect antithesis of all that was good about the show. I won't even discuss the plot here, for fear of spontaneously combusting through sheer hate. Suffice it to say there's deeper writing in teletubbies porn (never mind how I know, shut up). But look- NBC has graciously found a way to sum up this travesty for me:



KITT happens? KITT happens? Oh fuck you. Seriously, bring me the writer and/or studio executive who thought that was a good idea, and I will gouge their eyes out. With a blunt shovel. That I have dipped in whale urine. And set on fire.

The worst part about this is what they've done to KITT. I would have thought a car would be impervious to this sort of career-suicide. I mean, sure he did that stint with Hoff in Germany, but it could have been worse. It's not like he drove himself drunk. But clearly I underestimated the geniuses at NBC. They couldn't come up with a good catch-phrase, but they did discover a way to destroy the last shreds of dignity for another of my childhood icons:


What the fuck is that? Why does it have three dicks on its hood? Is it for an automotive bukkake scene? Because that would actually make more sense than the rest of the shit you've shoved up KITT's tailpipe. Did you have to chop it up worse than Joan Rivers's face? Even if it was based off a 1982 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am, the real KITT would still be the baddest car on the road today. Oh you've got fucking flame decals? He's got g-damned LAZERS. Which he can use to set your car on actual fire, douchebag. This is not a common list of standard fucking features.

Now listen to me very carefully NBC. Very. VERY. Carefully. There is still a way to salvage all of this. It's not too late. If you follow my directions to the letter:


Do exactly what you're doing. Keep the PR machine rolling. Fuck it up even more, I don't care. Play the first episode. Then, 5 minutes in, have the real KITT burst onto the set, destroying everyone and everything for the next 40 minutes. Sets will burn from his flamethrowers, lazers will punch through the grips and cameramen. In the climactic ending, he'll launch into the air from a turbo boost, and pop the director's head under his tires as he lands. Then the camera will zoom in on that one, scrolling LED and he'll say. "You didn't really think I'd let them get away with this, did you Ben?"

Then he'd open the door, I'd jump in, and we'd ride off into the sunset. Dun-dada-dun. Dun-dada-dun. Dun-dadadaDA-Dunnnnnnn. Da-dun!

But if it doesn't happen exactly like that, every NBC exec who's responsible for this should be corn-holed by a rusty tailpipe.

Jane, stop this crazy thing!

This little guy has so much heart (and momentum), that ya gotta love him. I'd like to think he got right back on and tried again after the camera stopped rolling. In his honor (and for all those hamsters still behind the iron curtain) I made this:


Course, the original is red and yellow. I have no earthly idea why it appears here in shades of blue. Nicely done, blogger.

This is the first thing I've drawn in a while. I'm not satisfied with it in the least, and I may try to revisit it later. For now though, I'm just glad it came out semi-identifiable. Here's the original sketch, which in many ways I like better.

Laugh until you cry

This woman may be the finest comic of our time. The dialogue? Impeccable. I've rarely ever...what's that? Are you sure? Serious? Oh come on, no one's that-

Oh g-d. I'm ashamed to share the same species as this woman. In fact, I refuse to believe she is human. She's like an ape whose tail fell off that discovered a video camera near a sprinkler.

The best copy you've never seen -Vol 1

Below are samples of copy that have never seen the light of day. Pieces like this normally occur when I'm ass-deep in revisions for something that was "really important simply must be done by 6pm today oh but we really have the time to dick around with it for another three weeks so you'll be rewriting it everyday until then".

While they clearly display a level of frustration, they're not eligible for entry in TBCYNS unless they also meet the objectives they were written for and still speak to the target. In short, they must have been shown to the client.

1- a banner ad with an annoying wordcount (as if there's any other kind).

We can’t explain everything you can do in this application in just 75 chara

2- bonus entry: why the creatives never go out drinking with the legal dept.

This intro paragraph has been rewritten about fifty times. This is because it’s very difficult to find a way to suggest there are adult themes in this application without upsetting our legal department. (The legal department would like to inform you that at no time are these adult themes explicitly illustrated. But they are vigorously hinted at.)

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of "The best copy you've never seen". If people like it, there will be more. If people hate it, there will probably be more anyway. It's my blog, that's how it works.

And then he said...

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

"Apologies, sir. My crotch was on fire."

This one's for all the gamers

Some people hang with friends or finger paint in their free time. What a waste. I say if you have time to kill, do something significant with it.

*I've rescued princesses. I've slain Dracula half a dozen times. I've saved the galaxy from aliens. I've also conquered it more times than I can count. I journeyed with four warriors of light, saving a land that will never remember our sacrifice. I defeated Dark Dragon (twice). I freed the realms of Hyrule, Ivalice, and Magvel. I've slain demons and devils from the darkest pits of hell, and singlehandedly prevented the zombie apocalypse. I've killed men for sport, and forced small animals to fight for my amusement. I've rescued queens and defeated emperors. I've commanded dragons, elves, and titans in battle. I've beaten my wife into unconsciousness, and laughed with maniacal glee while slaughtering fuzzy animals. I've halted the mad schemes of mad scientists a score of times. And I've eaten everything in sight and vomited it back out.

Does that sound like a waste of time to you?

*Super Mario Bros series, Castlevania, Metroid, Spaceward Ho!, Final Fantasy, Shining Sword 1 & 2, Zelda, Final Fantasy Tactics, Fire Emblem, Diablo, Resident Evil, Unreal Tournament 2004, Pokemon, Lego Star Wars, Heroes of Might and Magic 1-4, Wii Sports boxing, SuperSmash Bros (I hate pikachu so much), MegaMan, and a couple Kirby games. There's more, but I got tired of this post.

This is what I imagine Long Copy feels like

Oh my God. Oh my god they're reading. They're still reading! They're to the third 'reading' in the paragraph! Guys, guys come on. This is it. Someone's actually reading us. Holy shit. Holy -hey! Hey, "linoleum"! God help you if you don't stay on the end of that line. I swear on my kerning if there's a big blank space at the end of that line because you don't fit I'll write you out of this piece myself. Of course it matters! Everything matters! Oh my god they're halfway through. This is incredible. Is this getting too long? Quick, everyone be concise! Squish yourself if you have to. Don't look like you're doing it! God. The point. Where's the point? Oh my god did we lose the point? Ok, no it's here. Holy fuck do NOT scare me like that again. We are almost at the end we cannot afford to get lost now. Bring it together people!

Oh my god they read to the end. Oh...oh god. Oh, that was better than sex. Someone get me a cigarette. Seriously.