Check the hamster, Billy-Jean

I drive a 97 Audi A4 that I do not in any way deserve (it was my father's old car) and I am never likely to own a better vehicle in my life.

I hate it.

I hate that car for the same reason my wife hates watching me sing karaoke. We despise the things that make us feel stupid.

I'm a man. I should secretly yearn for the day my ride breaks down so I can pull it off to the side of the road, raise the hood, and enact automotive surgery shirtless on the side of the freeway, the envy of every male with a still-working mode of transportation.

But every time my car makes a strange noise, or the engine takes an extra second to turn over, or it's time for an oil change, a small voice inside me whines "please dear g-d let it be nothing".

My naivety is staggering. I swear the mechanics can smell it on me. These guys could say anything is wrong with the car, and I'd be forced to believe them, because I have nothing to argue with:

"Whelp, looks like ya burned out yer flux capaciter. They're not really made for 1.22 jigawatts, ya'know."

"Now, whatcha got here is a dead hamster. I can fix it for ya, but I'm gonna have ta get the replacement from Pete's Pet Emporium. May take a few days."

"Son, the issue is yer a damn loser. I can tell just by your radio pre-sets. The car can sense that, y'see, and it just won't run for ya. Now I offer sessions, to try ta get it ta like you. First thing we gotta do though, is get rid of that top 20 countdown shit, ya'understand?"

The fact is, I'm not an idiot. Just automotively deficient. I would love to write something for one of these guys. They could bring me some long copy, and I'd take a long look at it, suck in my breath, shake my head, and go; "now whatcha got here is a dangling participle. Ya gotta attach that to tha subject or you'll never be able to go anywhere with this sentence.

If that don't work, maybe just whack it a few times with a hammer".

Editor's note: the one thing I can do is change a tire like a fucking champion. If tire-changing was an olympic event, I'd at least score a bronze. This is the only upshot to having picked up 6 nails in my tires the four years I've been driving in Florida. I hate cars.